Live...

by Marisa
(USA)

I have been a victim of bullying for a long time and I really did not recognize it as that. I just thought some people are just mean and I should stay away from them, but really people being mean to others is what bullying is. I was bullied at school, in the work place and even from my own family. In my very first job I was bullied by the manager. I was young did not know how to deal with it so I moved from that job. Then over time I kept moving from job to job.

People around me thought I was just too unstable and that something was just wrong with me. Even my family criticized me. I told my mother about my first job but she said you just have to deal with it. Sometimes when I came to the door of my job I just diverted because I could not deal with it on some days. I would take the bus or the train and just go someplace else, just not be there and return home when the shift was over. Sometimes I tried to be brave but it was just too much emotional hurt and anxiety for me. I felt alone.

I let out my frustrations by window shopping then eventually I spent most of my money on things that would make me feel better for a while. Then I did more shopping to keep me feeling happy. The feeling lasted for a short while and then it was gone along with my money. Then I had more problems, being broke most of the time. People started looking at me with disgust and shame. Some family members tried to help me. I even opened up and tried to express myself but I did not know what to say.

The problem was deeper than they could reach and sometimes they just added to the problem with name calling and even bullying when they saw little to no change. The worst of it came from my mother who thought I was just a "good for nothing" she said spending all my money and just wasting my life away. That stayed with me to this day. I tried over the years to fix me because I thought the problem was me. I acted out by trying to change my image, thinking if people saw me and how kind and loving I am things would be better. I even tried to look tougher than I was but things did not change. I ended up not being able to trust anyone.

It seemed that no one wanted to be kind or civil even to each other I thought. I hid inside myself, my true nature. Only to share it with others who would appreciate it like strangers who smiled as I passed by or said good morning. For the few seconds I got a smile or kind word from a stranger I thought I lived in that moment. As for those who did not I ignored them because as best I could and tried to move on with living.

Some people thought me to be stuck up or snobby because I ignored them but I was just trying to protect the real me inside for being hurt. Bullying has certainly had an impact on my life. However, after many years I came to the sincere realization of this question that, before I die how would I like to spend my life? I don't want to be living in fear and unhappy for the rest of my human life. So I am making a choice every day to live to the fullest as I can.

I think people who are bullies are low self-esteem people who were at one point or the other bullied or belittled themselves and to make themselves feel powerful they do it to others. My advice to people who were or are bullied is to not let yourself turn into that person who bullies others but rise above it and let your love light shine. Let the real you live.

Also use the law, policies and whatever tools available to stand up for your right to exist and be a person in this world. You have the right to exist, live and be happy in this world. Also when you have to, speak up and say "No this is not right, stop it. I don't deserve this."

I need to add also that I am a Christian and that God is very real, he hears us when we pray and his Word is real, He cares and He answers prayers and we can find His thoughts and answers on these and many other things in His word. He said seek and he shall find, Knock and the door will be open unto you. God cares. Don't Give up. Find yourself again and live and don't stop living.