Bullied All My Life!

by Darren
(United Kingdom)

Hello everyone, bullying throughout my life has always been a (severe problem). From my early school days, 12-16 years and continued into the workplace, eventually forcing me to leave, due to severe mental health conditions. The problem has always been the same pattern of behavior, which people in general use.

Basically, I tend to be judged (incorrectly) from people's perception of myself. I tend to be (extremely) quiet man, low-self esteem, difficulty being myself in large social groups, due to having a condition called (Social Phobia) brought on by severe bullying. If none of you know what this is, please could you Google this. Also I'm always singled out by bullies and their followers, put-downs, harassment, name-calling you name it. The biggest insults are usually Homo-Phobic and Pedophilia remarks, which I find offensive. I'm neither of these and I'm fed up with taking crap! I consider myself to be average appearance, others consider me good looking and (weird looking). Depends again on the individual and where they see God! I don't tend to make friends very easy either and when I do manage to try to meet someone polite and well mannered, they then tend to put me down (all the time) or mask as a friend!

I think the problem with my own self-hatred stems from the way my mother has always treated me. She was always cold and spiteful towards me. But she was clever, she never did this emotional bad behavior in front of anyone else. To other members of the family the mother and son relationship was perfect.

I would be grateful for some feedback on this topic, I know it's rather short this summary and I could go on for ever! Telling even worse things that have happened to me. Below is what I think is bullying and main fits into quite a few of these areas:

What is bullying?

People who are bullied find that they are:

• Constantly criticized and subjected to destructive criticism (often euphemistically called constructive criticism, which is an oxymoron) - explanations and proof of achievement are ridiculed, overruled, dismissed or ignored

• Forever subject to nit-picking and trivial fault-finding (the triviality is the giveaway)

• Undermined, especially in front of others; false concerns are raised, or doubts are expressed over a person's performance or standard of work - however, the doubts lack substantive and quantifiable evidence, for they are only the bully's unreliable opinion and are for control, not performance enhancement

• Overruled, ignored, sidelined, marginalized, ostracised

• Isolated and excluded from what's happening (this makes people more vulnerable and easier to control and subjugate)

• Singled out and treated differently (for example everyone else can have long lunch breaks but if they are one minute late it's a disciplinary offense)

• Belittled, degraded, demeaned, ridiculed, patronized, subject to disparaging remarks

• Regularly the target of offensive language, personal remarks, or inappropriate bad language

• The target of unwanted sexual behavior

• Threatened, shouted at and humiliated, especially in front of others

• Taunted and teased where the intention is to embarrass and humiliate

• Set unrealistic goals and deadlines which are unachievable or which are changed without notice or reason or whenever they get near achieving them

• Denied information or knowledge necessary for undertaking work and achieving objectives

• Starved of resources, sometimes whilst others often receive more than they need

• Denied support by their manager and thus find themselves working in a management vacuum

• Either overloaded with work (this keeps people busy with no time to tackle bullying and makes it harder to achieve targets) or have all their work taken away (which is sometimes replaced with inappropriate menial jobs, eg photocopying, filing, making coffee)

• Have their responsibility increased but their authority removed

• Have their work plagiarized, stolen and copied - the bully then presents their target's work (eg to senior management) as their own

• Are given the silent treatment: the bully refuses to communicate and avoids eye contact (always an indicator of an abusive relationship); often instructions are received only via email, memos, or a succession of yellow stickies or post-it notes

• Subject to excessive monitoring, supervision, micro-management, recording, snooping etc

• The subject of written complaints by other members of staff (most of whom have been coerced into fabricating allegations - the complaints are trivial, often bizarre "He looked at me in a funny way" and often bear striking similarity to each other, suggesting a common origin)

• Forced to work long hours, often without remuneration and under threat of dismissal

• Find requests for leave have unacceptable and unnecessary conditions attached, sometimes overturning previous approval, especially if the person has taken action to address bullying in the meantime

• Denied annual leave, sickness leave, or - especially - compassionate leave

• When on leave, are harassed by calls at home or on holiday, often at unsocial hours

• Receive unpleasant or threatening calls or are harassed with intimidating memos, notes or emails with no verbal communication, immediately prior to weekends and holidays (eg 4pm Friday or Christmas Eve - often these are hand-delivered)

• Do not have a clear job description, or have one that is exceedingly long or vague; the bully often deliberately makes the person's role unclear

• Are invited to "informal" meetings which turn out to be disciplinary hearings

• Aare denied representation at meetings, often under threat of further disciplinary action; sometimes the bully abuses their position of power to exclude any representative who is competent to deal with bullying

• Encouraged to feel guilty, and to believe they're always the one at fault

• Subjected to unwarranted and unjustified verbal or written warnings

• Facing unjustified disciplinary action on trivial or specious or false charges

• Facing dismissal on fabricated charges or flimsy excuses, often using a trivial incident from months or years previously

• Coerced into reluctant resignation, enforced redundancy, early or ill-health retirement

• Denial of the right to earn your livelihood including preventing you getting another job, usually with a bad or misleading reference

How do bullies select their targets?

The bully selects their target using the following criteria:

• Bullies are predatory and opportunistic - you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time; this is always the main reason - investigation will reveal a string of predecessors, and you will have a string of successors

• Being good at your job, often excelling

• Being popular with people (colleagues, customers, clients, pupils, parents, patients, etc)
more than anything else, the bully fears exposure of his/her inadequacy and incompetence; your presence, popularity and competence unknowingly and unwittingly fuel that fear

• Being the expert and the person to whom others come for advice, either personal or professional (ie you get more attention than the bully)

• Having a well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise

• Having a strong sense of integrity (bullies despise integrity, for they have none, and seem compelled to destroy anyone who has integrity)

• Having at least one vulnerability that can be exploited

• Being too old or too expensive (usually both)

• Refusing to join an established clique

• Showing independence of thought or deed

• Refusing to become a corporate clone and drone

• Jealousy (of relationships and perceived exclusion therefrom) and envy (of talents, abilities, circumstances or possessions) are strong motivators of bullying.